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Monday, 09 November 2009

self-esteem is steam

So I'm kinda outta steam... I was feeling really motivated when i started college classes and, to be honest i still am, but.... First, lemme make it clear I'm not making excuses and the classes I have now don't compare to the classes I had in high school in difficulty. It's the rest of life I have a problem with. The annoying program I bassically run now since it cant seem to make a decision without my being present, my mother constantly looking over my shoulder, and all this F@*Kin paperwork, if I have to sign one more F*cKin document I swear-... But that's life. I told myself I'd make no excuses for anything, and that's exactly what I'm following. I'm not letting anything stop me (except when I occasionally miss a class due to oversleeping, shit bites -_-') But besides that I'm pretty on top of stuff. I have to quit this job. So the plan is to quit by the end of December. Hope that goes over well. I hate my job...
I havent been up to much except work and school (which is prolly y im feelin stressed) But besides me being tired and praying for an end to this drudgery, idk if theres anything worth blogging about. Oh yea, and my mentor had a miscarrige too.... besides that.... uhhhhhh.... hmmmm.... uhhhh. that's my life in Sypnopsis....

Did I ever blog about my boss quitting and me takin on some (if not most) of her responsibilities, cuz i am. I couldnt be having more fun organizing an enire strategy for this group at the high wage of 9.25/hr..

Oh yea, and if my blogging buddy is reading... miss u big time.
Peace,
Filsjean

Friday, 25 September 2009

Why must the good die young?

FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant believe this shit! How did this happen? My unborn twin cousins died in the womb today. I dont even know how to react. I didnt know how to react when i got the news! I got a text from my mom while staring at peaceful scenery at Umass, then my sidekick slide vibrated, and my whole perspective on life got F*kin flippped! SHIT! At first i teared up, then i chuckled cynically at thhe cruelty of it. "Taken out before crossing the starting line." is what I thought. What kinda sick priick am I? I LAUGHED after hearing my cousins died. And as if i wasnt enough of a prick, i pushed it out of my mind for the rest of the day.I actually tried my damndest not to fucking think about it! Fuck it! theres nothin i coulda done. Shit! Cant be! Why the fuck? How did this- I cant even write this anymore..
What the hell do I say to my Uncle. His kid just DIED. I dont think: "sorry for your loss" will cut it. I cant even call him.I tried to call, i really did, but everytime i picked up my phone, I couldnt bring myself to dial the number. FUCK! I just need some time... I dunno y this is hittin me so hard, I never met the kids and yet i'm bitchin like i held them and played with them like i did Thaya, their older sister, since she was a baby... It feels like Thaya died twice (God Forbid) yet I know shes still here. Well that bit of venting did some good, Since they just lost their kid today, i'll give them space to grieve, then call them in the mornin. Nothin but worse and worse news, FUCK SEPTEMBER!!!

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Inspired

So im goin to Umass Boston in the fall. I feel so motivated! If I had a reason for that motivation it is that Im setting and accomplishing my own goals. Everyday, I wake up and know the job I go to, the school I'm filling out so much paper for (not to mention dishing out ungodly ammounts of money for), and the actions i take are all my choice. I'm accomplishing something and not just setting out to jump through hoops for stuff that hardly mattered (like i felt like i was doing in High school). I even cut my complaining down by 50% over the past week (i know how punkish that sounds but hey- let me be happy).
I also left a temporary job ($368/week) recently. It sucks for both me and them cuz now they have to do the whole summer's worth of work I was catching up on for them (had they done this work daily, it would not have been a problem) but they didnt and that made me money. There's also the fact that most of them dont know how to do their work even though they have manuals and training to do so... so they're screwed unless they a) learn to do their work or b) hire another young person, teach them and make them do this work or c) hire me again.
So yeah, life's looking kinda good for once!!!!!!! YAY! HAHAHAHAHA! IM THE SHYT!!!!!!

Monday, 20 July 2009

What's real at 3:30

Wandering emo thoughts at 3:40 in the AM:
Why is it the realities we know to be joyful are so fleeting, yet the realities we know to be sad sre permenantly etched to the back of our minds?
Prime example: "the rat race." Everyday ppl Work,make money, spend, pay bills, work more, make more, spend more, and pay more bills. That is what I call a sad reality and the thought of working my ass off for the next 60-80 years is permanently etched into my mind. The thought of what this "race" accomplishes; " nice home, car, wife (if I can get one), and family are just fleeting thoughts compared to the grind it takes to attain them.
Or maybe, I've got it all wrong! Maybe it's not sad realities that are etched into our minds but that we associate sad realities with permanent thoughts. Marrige, dead-end jobs, kids, resposibility... they're all reasons ppl have not only been depressed about but also killed themselves over. When something becomes a permanent fixture in life, there is no changing it. We become restless and agitated with thoughts like "this is the last chick I'll ever get to F*&k?" Or "I'll never get another promotion, this is where I'll stay till the day i die?"
Maybe the emminent thought of death gives us an instinct that tells us to experience all that we can before we die. We have a deep-rooted belief that life is supposed to ebb, flow, oscilate and undulate so that when these chaotic parts of life flow in our direction, oscilate, and undulate the way we plan it to, at just the right moment, in just the right way,............ we experience the fleeting moments that are happiness.
I say fleeting because life is obligated to change soon after happy moments. if life doesn't change after those moments, then it becomes permanent. If life is permanent then we can't place our new bets on the conditions of life that will determine our happiness. IF YOU LIVE A LIFE IN WHICH YOU CAN'T DECIDE THE CONDITIONS OF YOUR HAPPINESS BECAUSE YOUR LIFE CAN NEVER CHANGE, YOU LEAD THE SADDEST REALITY THERE IS.
But hey, who's to say what's real when ur nearly delussional at 4 AM.... >o< [YAWN] sleeptime

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Disowned

So I've officially disowned my brother for anout a week now. The reason is kind of childish, but then again; kind of not. He's bigger than me and likes to show it off (especially in front of little kids). I never really let that habbit get to me till he took it way too far in NJ. I wrote a big blog on it before but my computer ran out of power as i was typing so that angry rant is lost forever. I'm still glad i wrote cuz it helped get a lot off my chest. I admit i did it out of anger but the more I thought about it, the more logical it seemed. i feel like both our lives are better because of my choice not to interact with him.